“Courtney, Grandma just gave you a cookie. What do you say?
Thank you, Grandma.”
“You’re welcome, Courtney. Such nice manners…”
Most of us can remember being taught the basic etiquette of saying please and thank you growing up. Our parents and other adults repeatedly emphasized the importance of showing appreciation in our interactions with others who may have done something for us or given us something that we liked. These lessons were a very important foundation as they affirmed the importance of gratitude.
Since this etiquette is so ingrained, often as adults we say thank you as a habit, said typically in simple exchanges. The clerk at the store gives you your bag or the devotee in the prasadam line serves you some rice… Thank you. Your child brings you the phone… Thank you. Your husband helps you carry items into the temple…Thank you.
Our challenge is how stay attuned to the great potency underlying the words thank you. How can we go beyond the important habit of saying “thank you”to a continued state of being thankful?
Let’s explore what Srila Prabhupada has to say on this subject:
We are so ungrateful that we even do not give thanks. In the ordinary way, if somebody gives me a glass of water when I am thirsty—it is etiquette—I say, “Thank you.” And God has given us so vast mass of water in the ocean, in the sea, in the sky. Without water we cannot live. There is no thanksgiving. There is no thanksgiving. Rather, we say, “God is dead.” There are so much profuse light. For this electric light you are paying bill to the electric company, and God is supplying so much light, in the night there as moon, in the daytime as sun. Prabhasmi sasi-suryayoh. Sasi means moon, and surya means sun. So He is supplying so much light, everything, whatever we require, and there is no thanksgiving. So only one has to become grateful… Bhaktya tutosa bhagavan gaja-yutha-paya: “The God can be pleased only by the feelings of your love.” That is required. But anyone can do that [prayer], provided he feels the gratitude that “God is so kind.” (S.B. Lectures, Canto 7.9, 12-13, Montreal, August 20, 1968)
So Srila Prabhupada says: “God is so kind.” How can we live our lives in every moment remembering that Krsna is kind? The two simple techniques below—each composed of making a list and taking an action—will help us in this process.
1) Look around you. Look at your life. What things do you appreciate? What things are you taking for granted? Make a list.
I am blessed to have a job that inspires gratitude: I supervise teams who do in-home family therapy and constantly hear stories of those who are suffering on so many levels. The majority of the families do not have the consistent assurance that they can meet their basic needs: food, shelter, medical care, social support, etc. This ongoing exposure to their experiences reminds me that so many things that I take for granted—having a sound mind, having material and social resources, and having a philosophy that helps me make sense of the world and will ensure my future after death—are great and rare gifts.
Commit to thank Krsna daily for the blessings in your life—through prayer, through a gratitude journal, or through working with a “gratitude buddy.” One of my dear godsisters frequently asks me: “What are you grateful for?”—particularly when I am sharing with her my ongoing list of health concerns. We periodically send each other texts or emails sharing what we are grateful for in our lives. I also daily write a word or two of what I am grateful for in a calendar. This greatly helps my tendencies towards worry and fear and reminds me that Krsna is always looking out for me.
2) Look around you. Look at the people in your life. Do you show appreciation by your words and actions? Who are you taking for granted? Make a list.
In a Krsna Conscious family, we have the great opportunity to live and interact with Vaisnavas every day. However, familiarity can cause us to take each other for granted. Additionally, as we work through the perfectly-designed and sometimes painful karmic arrangements of our close relationships, it can often be difficult to appreciate one another. No matter what, commit to say one statement of appreciation to each family member every day. Make it detailed and clearly describe the behavior that you appreciate. It is more clear and meaningful for someone to hear “Devaki, I appreciate that you stopped what you were doing to patiently answer your sister’s questions even though you were very busy” vs. “Thanks for helping your sister.”
I teach parenting classes and I challenge the parents to praise their children in a ratio of 4:1: for every correction, praise four times. When we become more present to how often we correct and/or chastise our children daily, the 4:1 ratio becomes very daunting! Some may feel this exercise is unnecessarily inflating the false ego. Actually, this effort will in fact help one see how we often so easily focus on the negative and forget to focus on the positive—and it will push us to deepen our Vaisnava appreciation.
Let’s not forget our spouses: married life can be difficult and it is easy to focus on what our spouse isn’t doing rather than what he or she is doing. One appreciative statement per day will increase connection and communication. We often are so busy in our lives that we often forget to look at or notice our spouses much of the day, let alone express appreciation. The simple act of looking your spouse in the eyes and expressing, in as much detail as possible, what you are grateful for can make an astounding difference in the quality of your marriage. The additional benefit is that your children will learn from your example.
Srila Prabhupada says:
Proper family life means that the husband should be protective, the wife chaste, and the children grateful to their father and mother. Children should think, “My father and mother gave me so much service. When I was unable to walk, they carried me. When I was unable to eat, they fed me. They gave me an education. They gave me life.” A bona fide son thinks of ways to render service to his father and mother. And just as a woman is expected to be faithful to her husband, so the husband should be grateful for her service and protect her. (A Second Chance: The Story of a Near-Death Experience, SC 17: The Moment of Truth)
Lastly, all families operate within a larger community, so remember to appreciate the other great souls—devotees, family members and others—with whom you are intertwined in this lifetime. Notice the things that they do that contribute to your life and let them know how it has impacted you. Thank the temple president for his or her years of dedicated service and share the impact he or she has made in your life. Thank your Guru and your GBC. Thank the pujaris. Thank your friends and other devotees around you for their example, inspiration and support. Thank your father, mother, siblings and other relatives for the roles they had played in your life. Thank your neighbor for being supportive of the unusual programs you have in your backyard. Even thank those whose behaviors overtly may not seem so positive. A neighbor who is not so supportive of your devotional programs may have helped increase your awareness of others’ needs and concerns. The possibilities are endless! Everyone is in our lives for a reason; a deep search within will reveal each person’s contribution to our Krsna Conscious growth process.
We know from our training in Krsna Consciousness that we advance through practice. Practice is key in any change or improvement that one wants to make. The strategies above are practice. The more that we intentionally practicebeing grateful, the more that it will become spontaneous and part of our way of being. We will then be more grateful and more aware that “Krsna is kind.”
“Just try to appreciate Krsna, how He’s great. That is Krsna consciousness. “ (Srila Prabhupada Lectures, Boston, May 7, 1968)